Dear Blog, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you. I have abandoned you for way too long. Over 22 month to be precise. Time flies, huh? But I’m back now. I left the caterpillar state and wow, look at my new pair of wings. Watch me learn how to fly. A preface about the future of this blog.
Why I left, you ask?
Well, I needed to figure out one or three things about my Self. I enjoyed being with you very much, at first. And then I got addicted to numbers. I did things for statistics, for being liked, and to make others happy. I was focused on traffic, approval, fame, and money. And these things ate me up from the inside. With every word I printed, my joy extinguished more. With every word I thought I had to type my hand got heavier, unable to press the letters on the keyboard. It got worse the more I wanted it. I had lost my path. I was frustrated, not happy and certainly not inspiring myself or anyone else on the planet. I turned into a pathetic girl looking for attention. I contributed more noise to an already noisy world. That’s why I had to let you go. So I would not drag you down with me. Down into the hole of an empty, emotionless, purposeless existence.
Where have I been, you ask?
Oh, I went to many places. Places far and places very close. Places so close that I had to shut my eyes to see them. I went to places to seek validation. I travelled to find inspiration. I paid money for motivation. I hunted for knowledge promising mentors. I soldiered through half IRONMAN races. I howled at a funeral of a 29-year old warrior who was close to my heart. I reached willpower country only to leave exhausted and finding out that I actually was looking for enthusiasm street. I visited why-can’t-I-figure-it-out lane, I-feel-so-sorry-for-myself roundabout, and I-hate-my-body cul-de-sac.
What has changed, you ask?
Well, I have changed. Let’s rephrase, I’ve become more of my Self. “He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened,” says Lao-Tzu. I will tell you this. This journey to know your Self is everything but delightful and bushy tailed. You have to go through some very dirty laundry. Like sweaty socks left way too long in the trunk dirty laundry. Also you have to listen to some pretty eye rolling foolish thoughts, too. And you have to free all those emotions that you have suppressed and packed away so neatly in the dark. Basically this expedition to your Self is like someone knocking on your snow globe that you’ve lived in cozy for the last 40 years, turning it upside down and indicating that the past might have been fun but your home got way too small for you. Time to move on. Not packing your suitcase moving on but stretching that horizon of yours. Like finally making sense of Deepak Chopra’s words moving on.
Who am I now, you ask?
I’m not saying that I have left the snow globe and I’m riding my unicorn to work. Hell no. I feel small and fear being trampled on in this vast unknown universe. I’d say I’m at the point where I’m staring baffled through the glass. Holding my hands close to my eyes to see better and getting a glimpse of what’s out there in this inside world. You know like window-shopping. Seeing all the magical things and realizing slowly that they might be available to you as well. However, I learned that these things can’t be bought nor can thinking make them appear. The currency is our Self. And to acquire more of our Self we have to shut up and be mindful so we can hear the magic whispers from that voice within. Sorry, there is no shortcut or bypass or assigning someone else to do the work for you. Seems like I got a glimpse at this powerful current outside of my snow globe where everything falls into place. And I’m telling you, it ain’t nothing like you imagine. It’s a thousand times more magical. It’s beyond what we know.
When will we leave to my Self, you ask?
My heart pounds and my ears are filled with blood. I’m scared. But apparently: “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.“ I’m ready to leap and hope the net will appear. Can you tell I have spend some time with Pema Chodron 🙂 Finally, let’s end with this. Dear Blog, I will deeply care about you. But I can’t care about any result. I will care about how you and your words will make me feel. But I can’t care about what other people think of you or me. Let’s face it. This journey has started already and is never going to end. One amazing current will lift us to the next level of an even more amazing current. The balancing act of combining both worlds, the inside and the outside world, will take time and practice. There is no finish line to reach. All we can hope for is to inspire people to struggle through their own soup of pixie dust and monster ego slime. Let’s get back to the intention of why we gave life to you in the first place. Making Ernst, to stop procrastinating our pursuit to happiness. The universe is on our side. Shine on crazy diamond.